(I think you have to click on the title of this posting in order to read the entire thing...)
Fiasco. Chaos. Are you kidding me?? Par for the course. That figures. I’m not surprised. Not again. Really!?! How on earth…
Those are all things I’ve said or thought today. And we didn’t leave the house until 10:30 a.m., and the above statements occurred before 12:15 or so. Yes, what a day it’s been already. And I’m not surprised…it is par for the course, and it does seem chaotic. But it’s a very typical day so far, really.
Today is the day before Tyler turns 13. He actually hugged me this morning and said, "Good morning, Mom." But then no sooner had I begun to enjoy that moment, he was off in another room in search of electronics. He was going to play with something electronic at all costs. I didn’t matter which parent he would upset, which sibling he would bowl over to get them. It didn’t matter what it would cost in time or money to fix or reset whatever it was he messed with after he destructively, but unknowingly reprogrammed into an inoperable state. He needed his technology fix.
And when I say that he "needed" it…I mean that in a very literal sense. Had he not gotten his hands on something electronic, I can only imagine how he would suffer all day.
We got through breakfast and dressing…which both are a daily challenge. He wants the opposite of what he is offered for breakfast. Even if given choices, he wants something else…usually something he knows fully well we do not have in the house, or he wants something unreasonable. Sorry, marshmallows are NOT acceptable breakfasts around here. Or he insists on wearing jeans and a sweatshirt when it’s going to be over 90 degrees with probably 100% or more (if that’s possible) humidity for the day.
It just never ends…so to say that each day "begins" that way, is inaccurate, because we are really just continuing on from the night before when we checked on him 12 or more times between 9:30 and midnight to finally believe he was asleep, then to only find him at 3 a.m. stealing a light bulb from the storage room so that he can turn his lamp on and read.
Please don’t think I am exaggerating. I am not…not in the slightest. Am I complaining? Not really…more just getting it off my chest. Venting a little maybe, but not complaining. Especially now as I sit here listening to the squeaks and sometimes even pleasant sounds of him playing his dad’s old trumpet.
He’s gotten fairly good…at least good sounding. I have no idea if he’s keying the same notes he sees on the page…especially since he’s using baritone music, since that’s the instrument he plays in the school band…but he at least sounds like he’s playing something. And his determination…wow. We actually started this whole thing off by discouraging him from trying to teach himself how to play the trumpet. We didn’t want him to develop bad or incorrect habits. But to stop him would take a force that we simply do not have. And at least when he’s playing we can hear him throughout the house and do not have to worry that all of our pictures, tax information, business records, etc., on the computer are being translated into some computer code we’ll never be able to recover it from, or being deleted all together. It’s actually a bit of respite for us sometimes. And he enjoys it, so in a way, we all win.
So then our day went on…fed and clothed, I actually got him to brush his teeth without debate, but probably only because I ignored the dirt still on his legs from the gardening activity from the day before. No shower to disagree about, so brushing the teeth came easily today. Life’s little blessings. We were heading back to do more gardening anyway.
His job with gardening is to hook up the hose and get it pulled down to the garden. The garden we are working on is at church, so this involves getting the water key, unlocking the faucet box, using the key to turn the water on, etc. It’s a funky little key, more similar to a socket than a key, so it fits with Tyler’s interests (obsessions). I got started pulling more weeds and digging. It took me two trips inside the church to find him and get him back outside and on track. It took much more nagging than that to get him to take the pulled weeds to the dumpster. But it did only take once of him getting busted sitting in the car messing with my cell phone to stop that.
It was hot. Hotter than I’d expected it to be. So we wrapped it up earlier than planned and began gathering our things. "Tyler, give me the keys so I can start the car and get it cooled off a bit." So he runs to get them and comes back empty handed. Ummmm…where are the keys???
So after many minutes of searching the car, the church office and bathroom, a couple texts to our pastor to see if he remembered seeing them in his office before he left, we finally found them. Two feet away from the garden in the grass.
Par for the course. Typical. Just another day in paradise??? Sure…if I am able to see it that way on that day. It’s not always easy. Even as Tyler’s parent, it’s so difficult to see how these chaotic moments are blessings. The stress I felt bothering the church secretary, keeping her late on a Friday, texting my pastor knowing he was probably at or on his way to a home visit, stressing about finding those keys in time to pick Cassidy up from dance camp…it’s probably typical and par for the course for Tyler. It’s probably what he feels like at 3 a.m. when he’s searching the basement for a light bulb that will go unnoticed—at least for a while—if it goes missing. I don’t know for sure, and never will, but I can imagine that the brain scramble I felt searching for those keys is a very mild version of how Tyler feels when he’s searching for something electronic to satiate his appetite for technology. I’d be willing to bet that it’s how he feels more often than not. That breaks my heart.
So when I say that he’s going to be the death of me…I feel so guilty. I feel terrible that I’ve said such a thing, even though it’s really what I felt at the time. And it is "just a phrase, right?" Well, that makes it even worse…the way he understands me saying such things…so literally, he probably sees himself causing my death in his mind. Shame on me.
This Sunday we are having church in the park. It’s also the week we purchased flowers for the service in honor of Tyler’s 13th birthday. So to make sure they are still alive and arrive at the park Sunday, while at church today, we picked up the flowers and will tend to them at home over the weekend and take them with us Sunday.
The flowers are beautiful…in their bright and colorful way. I got a text from the church secretary telling me they were very pretty, more colorful than usual. It may have been her way of reminding me to come get them, but it got me excited to see them.
They are beautiful. They are colorful. There are some crazy colored flowers in there. There are also some very pretty, traditional flowers in the arrangement. On the way home I worried the tall, skinny one in the center would break. It stood so tall above all the others, but it wiggled and wobbled with the bouncing and shaking of the car. Tyler held them, and I told him to be careful. But he had no control over the bumps in the road.
He never has had control over the bumps in the road. And he’s not been in control of the turns we’ve taken, the roads we’ve had to travel down, or the detours we’ve had to take. But he’s always been along for the ride, doing his best, enduring the bumps and jarring moments. Braving the sometimes rough terrain and unknown paths, and taking notice when we take a detour. Noticing what’s different, but trusting that we’ll make it to the end.
I kept watching the flowers as we drove. Sure enough, just as my instincts had told me, the biggest, tallest flower broke. It just couldn’t withstand the rough environment of the three mile trip—well, three and a half with the detour. It reminded me of Tyler. The whole bouquet did, actually, but that single flower did especially.
Physically, it was tall and skinny. Beautiful. White and pure looking. It stood above the rest and seemed to be the first thing you noticed when you looked at the whole bunch. It was just like Tyler in so many ways. Then I thought it was also like him in that it was broken. It was different. It was something that others might pull out and discard because it wasn’t perfect. But I knew that I could help it remain standing tall. It just needed a little support. It needed help. It could be just as beautiful as any other flower, if it had what it needed. It certainly couldn’t do it alone…but it could still do it.
I got the flowers home and looked at them some more. I first added some water to them. I propped up the main flower with some of the others. Then I studied the whole bouquet.
Crazy daisies, I call them. Daisies dyed bright orange, hot pink, neon green…They reminded me so much of Tyler. He’s wild and crazy. Bright and cheery. Beautiful.
And there were some traditional flowers in there. Subtle and complimentary of the others. Some were carnations. They provided a good balance to the craziness of the daisies. They didn’t match, yet they didn’t clash either. They just blended together into a mixture of normal and crazy. They were just like Tyler.
And then as I stared at them and studied them, I noticed that there were sections. Compartmentalized sections of crazy daisies. A little of this and a little of that. Pink ones bundled together. Orange all grouped together in the center. And green ones tucked away together on the right. Just like Tyler. He is a little of this and a little of that. Some crazy things here and there. Everything compartmentalized and kept together, but put in the same vase to create something bright and beautiful.
And then back to that tall, shining star in the center of them all. It was broken, but still able to shine and provide a center to everything with the right support. It was exciting in a way…to sit and look at these flowers and really make a connection with them. Unusual, maybe. But exciting.
I kept looking for something that wasn’t like Tyler in those flowers. I couldn’t find it. Maybe because I was so convinced that these flowers represented Tyler so perfectly, that I wouldn’t allow myself to see it. Maybe because there just simply isn’t anything that’s not like him.
I got tears in my eyes. Big alligator tears. I didn’t pay attention that Tyler was only feet away, wrapped up in his own made-up game of cards, yet watching every move I made. Today he noticed my emotions. He usually doesn’t. Just as it’s a rare occasion he starts the day with a hug and a good morning. But today he noticed. And he asked me why I was crying.
I couldn’t get into how the flowers reminded me of him. I’d have to go places that 1) I couldn’t go with him; i.e. the broken flower and 2) he wouldn’t understand. It was almost beyond my own comprehension. And even if he were capable of "getting it" I wasn’t confident I could communicate it in a way that anyone would understand anyway.
So I just looked at him and said, "I am just so proud of you and love you so much, Tyler." He responded with a rote and dry, "I know" and went on about his game. I watched him play. There was a system. There were rules to the game he played. It’s a game he made up and I couldn’t figure out the rules or the system if I’d tried…but he knew what they were. He was hyper-focused on those cards, and any interruption to his game would likely result in an eruption in him. So I just studied him as I had just studied the flowers.
I saw all the same things. Chaos. Controlled chaos, but chaos nonetheless. Beauty. Not necessarily beauty to be seen by everyone, but it was a shining beauty that couldn’t be denied. Brightness. Compartmentalized brightness, balanced with traditional, basic elements. Broken-ness. Broken-ness that forced choices between hanging in there and providing the necessary support—that may or may not even work—or discarding for the sake of perceived perfection. Craziness. Upsetting and confusing, yet cohesive and encompassing. Craziness that creates a unique and irresistible appeal.
Wow…talk about a jumbled brain day…and so goes my heart, my life, my love.
Happy 13th birthday, Tyler! You are my sunshine!
